The Pre-Natal Life Crisis

I baby.   I name Madison, and I have pee-pee.  I very calm and relaxed and warm and then I come out of mommy’s hoo-who and icky is on me and light is.  Doctor wipes me and I cry, and cry, because light still is, and is more and more.  They cut my thingy with a thingy and poo-poo and blood, and my skin is cold and dry.  Mommy holds me in blankey and I look at her, but owie light boo-boo and I stop looking, and I cry, but she moves me back and up and I get dizzy.  She makes noise with mouth and then puts mouth on my me, and makes other noise, and it tickles but doesn’t hurt.  I like.  Then she gives me to other big man and my head goes down and he squeezes me and I cry.  He shakes me up and down like mommy, but he goes very fast and I cry again and more.

Every thing is very cold, and I want to go into the warm water, but I don’t, and am in warm plastic.  Small people are near me, and they cry from their small plastic, so I decide to stop crying from now on because they make me not happy.  Every one is cry!  The put things in my mouth and then things come out of my mouth.  Mommy has bumps on her that white water comes out of and I usually put-in-mouth those, and then her water goes down into my neck and then down more.  Sometimes air comes out of my butt and smells funny, and I think it’s funny because mommy does, but it also tickles my butt hole.

Today I go past the plastic and past the bright light.  Where I go the water falls from up and everything is very bigger.  I love looking at things because every thing is bigger than me and everything go fast.  Mommy and person and other smaller person than mommy put me in a metal that we share and we move fast, too, and the water doesn’t touch me but it wants to badly.  The water makes noise and so do I: it goes pt-pt-pt and I go gee-gee-gee and when I do that the smaller person, who is still not smaller than me and is bigger, looks at me and her mouth gets bigger on the sides.  She touches me where the food goes and moves her hand quickly and it makes me geegee more, but then water comes out of my butt and everyone looks at me with small mouths.

From the metal thing they bring me to another place that is bigger than metal and bigger than plastic, but smaller than the first place and more colorful.  They put me on soft again with many faces up, their eyes going down on me and their mouths big, and I stop looking for a while.

I start looking again because something goes wee-yoo wee-yoo and it makes my head owie.  Lots of fast happens and mommy is up and her eyes are down and her mouth is small.  She and smaller person touch me where the food goes, but don’t move quickly, and I don’t geegee.  Mommy’s eyes go to other places a lot and she has plastic on her head and is talking to it.  Her mouth keeps go small but then her eyes go down to me and her mouth quickly goes big again.  Water comes out of small person’s eyes and she is where it is dark and holds something that is soft.

Mommy and small person are up and big green and brown things move past them.  I am in soft, but a different soft, and their hands are touching metal that touches soft.  I hear twee-twee and coo-coo and sometimes arf!  The soft shakes very little, but it shakes, and sometimes it shakes more because the above is move.  Sometimes more eyes are up and look down and mouths get big and they talk to mommy and little person’s mouth is small again.  Mommy puts plastic in my mouth and white water comes out and goes into me and it tastes funny.  I like mommy’s bumps because they are warm.  Mommy’s hands move me and I’m not on soft, and my mouth isn’t on bumps, but I am.  She holds me and I am big now and see the soft from up.  It is small and blue.  Mommy touches my arm and moves it here and there and her eyes go to another mommy and a very small person.  The very small person has plastic in its mouth and a pink flower on its head, but no hair, and I don’t know if boy or if girl.  Mommy moves up to them and the mommies talk and my eyes and the very little person’s eyes are at the same level.  Very little person is called Friend, and little person is called Brooklyn.

I am old, now.  I can walk and when I think about what I want to say, words come out of my mouth like Mommy and Brooklyn.  Brooklyn is always very sad, and she doesn’t like me because mommy does.  She sometimes does things to me that make me cry, and so do I.  Water is always coming from our eyes.  This water is called “tears”, the butt water is called “poop”, and the white water is milk.  I am learning a lot with this colored paper, which has a lot of funny pictures on it.

Paper is funny.  The big green and brown things that moved past mommy before, from my “stroller”, they are called “trees”, and that’s where paper comes from.  They take trees and make it really, really small.  I am smart.  Sometimes they make the green trees into green paper and then people yell and fight and die, because of the green paper.  No one dies over white paper because white paper is amazing, because you touch in on your butt when the poop comes out, and it feels good.  No one would fight about that.

Mommy drinks a lot of water.  Sometimes she drinks apple juice, and she’s like me because I like apple juice, and so does Brooklyn, so we’re all like each other.  Ours comes from plastic and mommy’s comes from glass, and it makes her sleepy and makes me pee-pee.  If mom has a lot of apple juice, she goes to sleep.  Her eye is  purple many times, which is funny.

Brooklyn cries a lot, and I don’t like her.  Mommy cries less, and I like her, but people at school talk about me and I don’t like that.  They laugh and I don’t.

Sometimes a man comes home and everyone except him cries.  He is angry and has lots of hair on his face, and he doesn’t even look at me.  I don’t like him.  I don’t like it in the home because it is cold.  I don’t like it out of the home because when there is water, “rain”, the rain is cold, too.  Everything is cold, but I like it hot.

Tonight mommy had a lot of apple juice, and fell asleep, so I decided to leave this home and go back.  I went to her room, where she was on the ground next to some glass, and pulled her pants down and looked at where I used to be, but it was very small and looked like a tiny puppy.  I tried to make it bigger, and took my hands and pulled it apart until it got big, like people’s mouths get big, when they “smile”.  I took off my Nikes because they wouldn’t bend enough, and I put one foot into my old home, and pushed it in.  It felt the same, with the warm water, so I put the other foot in.  It was smaller than I remembered, but I maybe am bigger.  I grabbed mommy’s legs and pushed them as hard as I could until my pee-pee, then my tummy, then my neck was inside, and everything smelled like before, like uncooked bacon and oranges.  Bacon is my favorite food, and I put my orange juice on it and my mom gets bad, but she doesn’t know.  I put one arm in very carefully, and curled up my legs like I used to be, and took a deep breath, then put my chin, my mouth, my nose, then my eyes in.  I felt my hair become all warm and sticky and nice, like when I put my head on the birthday cake, and though I had never been home with hair before, I thought it was better like this.  My mouth tasted just like before, all oil and metal and milk, and I smiled because it was great!  Finally I slid my arm in and became a big ball inside.  Everything that I could see was red, with more dark things and funny brown squiggles and white little bags and little blue worms all over.  Nothing was moving like it used to, but it was still warm like before and I felt like a big, happy hug all over.

It’s getting not as warm, now, and I can’t move like I used to.  My arms hurt and so do my eyes.  Everything is becoming less red and more brown and the smell is changing, and also the taste.  It’s not as much of a hug now because I can’t feel as much, and I’m hungry.  I start to eat the brown squiggles, which go boom like water balloons but full of stuff that looks like poop but doesn’t taste like it.  The white little bags are the best, because they are sweet, but after I eat those I can’t get anywhere else.  I try to move my neck to some really big pink things, but I can’t.  I’m crying again because I don’t know what to do.

Finally I hear a lot of noises and crying and something happens.  I’m suddenly back in the house!  Not for long, though, because I go back to the first place, where it’s less colorful, the “hospital”, and they do all these things to me.  I am pooping a lot, and my tummy hurts and my head and everyone looks very weird.

This is my new home.  Everything is grey and a person, Ms. Gunner, comes to me and teaches me things, like “sky” and “Valentine’s Day” and “auntie”, and she smiles a lot.

She lets me hug her when I want to and she hugs me back.


~ by nearhelsinki on February 3, 2010.

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