This is the best writing I’ve ever done, in an email to a 21-year old philosphy majoring CouchSurfing Host who lives in Dunedin, New Zealand.  I don’t even know if I’m going to Dunedin, but I wrote her this email anyway.  Hopefully she’s hot.

“I am interested in soorfong your couch!

Hi Lauren,

I’ve read your profile and ultimately decided that you aren’t concerned with reality or truth.  You contradict and confound, and take an philosophically anti-intellectual stance.  Do you also like to finish many of your rebuttals by referencing feces?  I do this too often.

I wonder if we could coexist, musically.  I’m slightly embittered but I live in my head.  I think I am like a recent Tom Waits ballad, or an accordion, or I’d like to be these things.  If you could be a musical instrument, what would you be?  You don’t have to answer that question.

I live in Melbourne, so I can’t text you without your being confused as to who I am.  If you agree to welcome me into your house with your friends, maybe then, when I arrive in Denudinern, I will text you to say, “hey, I’m lost!  I’m three hours late!  I am bringing 5 more people than I told you, and I smell terribly!”  Until then, hopefully the email will suffice.  I work in a restaurant and today some people came in from Incavargergill, and I can’t believe how Scottish they sounded.  Is this a south-south kiwi characteristic?  That’s so wonderfully exciting to me.  Maybe you’re not quite that south.

I’m from Logs Angeleoos, Calirogtgrnia, in the UFSA.  Why am I obscuring the names of all geography, you might ask?  I don’t know.  I’m SOOO tired.  I just wanted you to see that I wasn’t doing it to NZ cities alone.  My Melbournian friends peg me as being very self-righteous and think that when I tell them Australian TV is embarrassing, I am being a cocky American.  I don’t think this is true.  I have worshiped Australia and New Zealand for a long time.  Lil’ Chief Records is a Kiwi record label that I’ve worshiped forever, and I think that Heather from The Brunettes is beautiful.  I just don’t want you to think that I’m a cocky American, is all.

I also think you should know that I customize all of my CS emails to what I think that the recipient would want.  I have just finished sending an email to an artist in Christchurch who is an older man that sounds very weird, who I have perceived to be rather curt, so I sent a rather curt and self-conscious email to him.  You I perceive to be rather loquacious and arrhythmic, like a song by The Books, which is a band who, if you don’t know, you should check out, and so I am writing like this.  I’m also making many musical references because you seem to mention music a lot.  All that I’m after is free housing and simply nothing else, which is why I try to manipulate CS hosts via email into believing that there are commonalities that we share.  I’ll be able to laugh at all of the people spending $25 in hostels!

My emails are often very long.

I really like interesting people, but I think sincerity is the most important quality in all of mankind.  I think the only people that I despise, apart from particular Steve Miller fans, are the insincere.  Do you think Bob Dylan is insincere?  I hear he is doing the voice of a GPS car satellite system.  Could he need money that badly?  My father’s name is Steve Millman, by the way, so I couldn’t really despise Steve Miller that much.  It’s a familial thing.

I’m not on drugs or anything.  I’m mostly a very normal person, in fact probably a middle-aged man trapped in a 24 year old’s body.  I am too nice and while the majority of people might not be, I am not cynical because I have met amazing people.  One really good person I invest all of my earnestness in, and the rest of the people I try not to get upset about.  I have become better than I used to be at recognizing the good people.  Many of them have been through Couch Surfing.

This has ceased to be a couchsurfing request; I’m really just writing at this point.  I won’t be this interesting in person, if we happen to meet.  Sorry about that.

I hope you are doing well in life and school.  I wonder if I shouldn’t go to Graduate School, because thinking is so good sometimes.  I also wonder if I should just hire a car for my 3 NZ weeks because I don’t want to have to cram in a bus with a bunch of drunken slobs.  I also don’t have a lot of money.  Responding to this horribly masked request for travel advice is entirely optional.  I need to start making decisions for myself, and with spontaneity.

I’ve decided that if I received an email like this from a CSer, I’d be really concerned but also slightly curious, and also at least I read your profile.




~ by nearhelsinki on September 3, 2009.

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